This was written way back in March, 2013 for something in college. A recent post by Anuvab reminded me of it. So here it is, hope everyone understands it is all in good humour. And yes, the turns might be abrupt, it was written with a space and time limit.
The Times of Bovindia, May 15, 2014 : The ceremonious acceptance and coming into effect of the new Constitution of Bovindia was concluded with much pomp and grandeur in the newly fashioned capital city of Pasturena, Bihar. Prime Minister Gavendra Moodi and his cabinet were present along with the Chief Ministers of all constituent states. The Prime Minister reiterated his dedication to the cause of bovine freedom and protection of bovine rights in the Psovereign, Psocialist, Psecular Democratic Republic of Bovindia.
July 23rd, 2014
Today, I witnessed another renaming of this highly unfortunate city of mine. But it is closer to the old name, which I was quite fond of. Let us see what is in store for Calcattle… Already the winds of change are losing the sharpness of their teeth. They bite less and leave no marks nowadays. Moodame Moomoota is all enthusiastic about her new position, having totally forgotten about the oath she had taken. She is theoretically ready to work with all humans in the state but fears all humans to be dreaded Mooists. Already, the ranks of the political prisoners under her regime have swelled, and dung is being generated at record rates to prepare more fortified prisons. She has quite readily taken to the new central infrastructural policy, it seems! The Rashtrapati Bhavan in Pasterna, or rather Rashtrapati Bovine as it is called, has been encapsulated in layers of this new material. God, the aroma that wafts in through the windows nowadays… I shudder to think about the situation in Uddar Pradesh, especially Cownpore, ha!
August 15th, 2014
I have to keep this secret! You’re the only one I can truly confide in. BIT (B does not stand for Birla, by the way) Cownpore has changed a lot. (So has Cownpore, with biogas reducing the power shortage in the city!) Not that it was unexpected. It is in the cow belt now. With the possession of all artillery and complete control of the military, the bovine forces have even penetrated the temples of education! With STIRK guards patrolling the area 24X7, it is becoming well nigh impossible to get any sort of freedom. And let’s not even talk about the compulsory DairyTech course! Anyways it feels strange to not sing Jana Gana Mana today, having been replaced by the new Nandi Gava Moona anthem. The price of all bovine products has predictably shot up, and all non-vegetarian food is obviously banned by state policy. The “divine” buffalo Buff. Yadav is trying his best to reconcile the differences created by the centre. But who wants free Chew-Your-Own-Cud self-help e-books when basic rights to us humans are being denied? The compulsory dung-layering service to be rendered after graduation – how can that be kept running in the state? Anyways, got to run now, MOO200 classes!
The Times of Bovindia, November 1, 2014: Brewing discontent towards the Central Government at Pasterna broke out today here at Heiferabad with the cows and buffaloes demanding proper recognition of their language and culture. They follow spontaneous demonstrations against the Government in parts of Buffaleswar, Calfennai and Calcattle, where the common cattle were also joined by the humans against the policies of veganism and enforcing Hindimoo on the people…. Police have also managed to capture the head of the Dung Mufia, who were forcing common humans to lay excess dung in the sun. The sudden change in the power laws have got everyone in a frenzy, with the mantle of power shifting from the natural fuels to more bovine means. This rare success for the BPS has reportedly come with external help from ex-IPS officers employed as hayfeeders in the luxurious ranches of the officers.
December 15th, 2014
I have to admit I did not expect it to end this way. A scandal toppling a government, that too, a military power with all reigns of administration! I guess revolution has its ways of getting around things. With the shortest and easiest transfer of power in history, unlike the ones currently going on in the Amooricas and Heurope, Bovindia has returned to its status quo – back to free India – and all because of that one vegetable worrying us all last time we were free! The clandestine consumption of onion, banned also under the vegan government, by top officials at the Centre got us all up in flames. I’ve never seen Bovindian cows so united! And all to their own doom. The resignation of Defence Minister Antoned and the assassination of General Milkkha in broad daylight on the streets on Moombai by human supported cart-gangs did the trick I guess. Or maybe, it was being planned all along by the rebels. We are no strangers to such activities, I was wondering how the underground activists are not getting their plans through! We can finally heave a sigh of relief as normal “human” life resumes. A few months of misadministration by the newly awakened bovine powers here really showed us what we has taken for granted and what we were doing wrong, eh? I’m guessing it is from us that these guys got the idea in the first place, renaming and sops, favoritism, forcing ideas, etc. It was a really bad boomerang experience I guess. But we needed it. Anyways, we now have a new holiday, the 10th of December, new Independence!
The Times of India, January 21st, 2015: The former Prime Minister Mr. Gavendra Modi was found dead in his apartment in Anand last morning. Apparently, his hay had been streaked with strychnine. He had been under house arrest since before the fall of the Bovindian Government. Police have categorically ruled out any possibility of foul play. It is suspected he took the strychnin straws by mistake. Coincidentally, Moodame Moomoota also suffered a fatal heart attack in Kolkata while being treated for megalomonia in a reputed mental institute. Unable to bear the news of the death of his cud-chewing friend, Ummen Chewndhay committed suicide in Kerala by jumping into a well. The Prime Minister has expressed his condolences for the families of the bereaved and has declared tomorrow to be a day of national mourning. All dung-run factories shall remain shut and only strictly vegetarian food will be consumed.
The Times of India, July 21st, 2017: 12 cows were killed in an unprecedented attack on a group of peaceful protestors in Paltan Bazar, Guwahati yesterday, who were protesting the Supreme Court’s decision against legalizing same-sex marriage in cows as well as the TAFSPA (Two-Armed Forces Special Powers Act) prevalent throughout the nation. The group of cows, most aged between 4 to 6 were students of a nearby college. The Dean of the College was cowhandled and the premises were ransacked. A cowfew was declared by the government. Security in the major cities has been beefed up. The holy cities of Varanasi, Puri and Dwarka with notable bovine populations are especially vulnerable. Recently, protests against racial discriminations have rocked the nation as Cow Rights Activists have been protesting against the TAFSPA and other discriminatory measures of the human government, but this is the first time that this has culminated in a massacre – the Paltan Bazar massacre. Tensions are running high as another possibility of a military coup and bovine uprising is being apprehended. Sources in the government have hinted at a possible declaration of Emergency…
July 21st, 2017
I recently looked up the meaning of deja vu. I seem to have read it sometime previously…